When He Claims He Loves Both Of You: 9 Things It Really Means

Sweetheart, if you’re here, I already know something about your night. You’ve probably replayed the conversation more times than you can count—the one where he looked at you and said some version of “I love you both.” I just don’t know what to do.”

And I want to say this before anything else: you are not broken for still standing here, confused and hurting. What he said is genuinely disorienting, because it doesn’t fit into the story we’re taught love is supposed to follow. Love is supposed to be a choice. A landing place. Not a fork in the road he refuses to walk down.

So let’s slow this down together. I’ve talked to enough women in exactly this spot, and I’ve dug into what psychologists actually understand about ambivalence, attachment, and indecision in relationships to walk you through what it really means when a man says this—not the fairytale version, the honest one.

Here are the 9 things it usually means and what to do with each one.

1. He’s Confusing Intensity With Love

Psychologists distinguish between limerence — the intense, obsessive, early-stage infatuation that floods the brain with dopamine — and mature, attachment-based love, which is calmer, steadier, and built over time. A man torn between two women is often mistaking the high of something new for something as durable as love.

What this looks like: He can list what excites him about each of you but struggles to describe what he’d build with either of you long-term. The feelings are real to him — they’re just not yet the kind of love that survives a Tuesday.

2. He’s Avoiding a Decision, Not Actually Torn

Here’s an uncomfortable truth: indecision is a decision. Every day he doesn’t choose is a day he gets to keep both of you without having to lose either one. Psychologists who study avoidant behavior patterns note that prolonged indecision in relationships often isn’t about genuine confusion — it’s about avoiding the discomfort, grief, and conflict that come with choosing.

What this looks like: He frames it as “I just can’t hurt either of you,” when in practice, staying undecided is hurting both of you slowly instead of one of you quickly and honestly.

3. He May Have an Avoidant Attachment Style

Attachment theory, one of the most well-researched frameworks in relationship psychology, offers a useful lens here. Men with an avoidant attachment style often struggle with full commitment to one person, sometimes unconsciously “spreading” their emotional investment across more than one relationship so no single bond becomes too close, too demanding, or too threatening to their independence.

What this looks like: He talks about loving you both but pulls back emotionally whenever either relationship starts asking for more closeness, consistency, or vulnerability than he’s comfortable giving.

4. He’s Getting Different Needs Met By Each of You

Sometimes what feels like “loving two people” is actually two different relationships meeting two different emotional needs—excitement with one, comfort with the other; admiration with one, ease with the other. That’s not necessarily deep, whole love for either person. It can be a patchwork of partial needs being met, mistaken for two complete loves.

What this looks like: Ask yourself honestly—does what he says he loves about you sound like a whole relationship, or like one piece of what he’s missing elsewhere?

5. He Might Genuinely Be Wired for Non-Monogamy

I want to be fair here, because it matters: some people are, by nature or by conscious choice, not monogamous. Ethical non-monogamy and polyamory are real relationship structures, practiced by people who build them on full transparency and the informed consent of everyone involved.

The critical distinction: If he’s asking you to share him without your full, honest, ongoing consent—if you’re finding out through hints, guilt, or confusion rather than an upfront conversation—that isn’t polyamory. That’s a man wanting the freedom of an open relationship while keeping you in a monogamous one without telling you.

6. He’s Struggling With Guilt, Not Love

Guilt and love can feel remarkably similar from the inside—both create a pull toward someone, a reluctance to walk away, and a sense of obligation. A man who’s built history or shared vulnerability or emotional dependency with two women may feel guilt about “abandoning” either one and mistake that guilt for love strong enough to keep both relationships alive.

What this looks like: He frequently says things like “I owe her” or “I can’t just leave her after everything,” rather than describing an active, chosen love for that person in the present.

7. He Wants Validation From More Than One Source

For some men, having two women who both want him functions less as a love story and more as a form of reassurance—proof, on some level, of his own desirability or worth. Psychologists who study self-esteem and relationships note that seeking validation through multiple romantic sources rather than through a single secure bond is often a symptom of a deeper insecurity, not evidence of an unusually large capacity to love.

What this looks like: The relationships tend to intensify or destabilize based on how threatened or secure he feels, rather than staying steady regardless of outside validation.

8. He Doesn’t Fully Respect Either Relationship’s Boundaries

Whatever the underlying psychology, there’s a practical truth worth naming plainly: if two people are being kept in relationships with him without a clear, honest, mutually agreed structure, at least one—often both—women’s boundaries are being crossed. Respect for a partner includes respecting their right to know what they’ve actually agreed to.

What this looks like: Ambiguity that benefits him. Vague timelines, vague labels, and a lot of “I just need time,” with very little forward movement.

9. He May Never Choose — And That’s Information, Not a Verdict on You

This is the hardest one, and I want to say it gently: some men genuinely never resolve this. Not because either woman wasn’t enough, but because the indecision itself is serving him emotionally, practically, or sometimes both. If it’s been months, and nothing has moved, the lack of a choice has already told you something a choice would have made explicit.

What this looks like: The situation today looks almost identical to the situation three or six months ago, just with more conversations about it.

How to Tell If He’s Genuinely Conflicted or Just Stringing You Along

Not every man in this situation is manipulative—some are, quietly, working through real confusion. Here’s how to tell the difference, because it changes what you should do next:

• Genuine conflict tends to move. Even slowly, there’s visible effort—therapy, honest conversations, a timeline, and real consequences he’s willing to face.
• Stringing along tends to stay comfortable—for him. Nothing changes because nothing has to. He keeps both relationships exactly as they are, with all the benefits and none of the discomfort of choosing.
• Genuine conflict includes you in the process. You’re not kept in the dark about the other relationship’s status; you have real information, even if it’s painful.
• Stringing along relies on you not having the full picture. Vagueness isn’t a circumstance—it’s a strategy, even an unconscious one, that keeps you patient and keeps him comfortable.

What To Do With This Information

I’m not going to tell you what to decide, love — that’s not mine to decide for you. But here’s how I’d encourage you to move forward, whichever way you lean:

• Ask for clarity, not reassurance. Instead of “Do you love me?” ask, “What is your plan, and by when?” Reassurance can be given easily and repeated forever. A plan requires action.
• Set a real timeline for yourself, even if he won’t set one for the relationship. Indecision is often sustainable for the person who benefits from it and unsustainable for the person who’s waiting. Protect yourself accordingly.
• Watch what he does when there’s no audience. Not what he says to you, not what he says to her — what he actually does when the pressure to say the right thing isn’t there.
• Remember that “I love you” was never actually the hard part. Loving two people, in some form, may well be true. The hard part — the part that actually matters to your life — is what he’s willing to build, choose, and be accountable for. Feelings without a decision don’t build a future.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it possible for a man to genuinely love two women at the same time? Emotionally, yes — humans are capable of forming real feelings for more than one person. The more important question isn’t whether the feelings are real, but whether he’s willing to be honest, respectful, and decisive about what that means for everyone involved.

Should I wait for him to decide? That’s a deeply personal decision, but it helps to separate hope from evidence. If there’s been real, visible movement toward a decision, waiting may be reasonable for a defined period. If nothing has changed in months, the “wait” has likely already become the answer.

Is this the same as polyamory? Only if everyone involved has knowingly and willingly agreed to it. If you or the other woman wasn’t given the full picture and a real choice, it isn’t polyamory—it’s a lack of honesty dressed up as complexity.

How do I stop obsessing over what he “really” feels? Redirect your energy from decoding his feelings to observing his actions and timeline. Feelings are unverifiable; behavior over time isn’t. Give yourself permission to trust the pattern, not the promise.

A Final Word From Me To You

Here’s what I most want you to walk away with: the confusion he’s created is his to own, not yours to endlessly interpret. You deserve a love that doesn’t require you to compete, wait indefinitely, or accept ambiguity as an answer.

Whatever he ultimately decides — or doesn’t — you get to decide what you’re willing to keep waiting for. That’s not coldness. That’s self-respect, and it’s allowed to coexist with real love and real grief.

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